Why Not Change The Title Of Your Book Today?

It’s an idea, isn’t it? I was told to do just that. By changing my title I made my novel Google-friendly, I reflected its contents better, I played upon mass surges and urges, and, best of all, I extracted my brain from my backside…and so a book called “Collected Selected Words” became (overnight) “Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me / Sex Adventures In Asia”. Of course, I added a foreword and an afterword to get in a bit more about sexy girls and Pattaya* bars, and I even followed up a suggestion to create a Lonely Planet’s Guide to Pattaya for Pattaya punteroos.

just some of those girls

That done I sat back, knowing my book was far more internet-friendly. For who in his or her right mind would Google in “words” or “selected” or “collected”, and if anyone did so, I was told he or she would be well on the perimeter of sanity or even in the ambulance on his / her way to the nearest loony-bin?! My book certainly didn’t become a best seller overnight but at least anyone interested in sex might come across it and I was assured by one sophisticated man of the world that sex is the only thing anyone thinks about. This sophisticated man is a photographer, a seventy-year-old Pattayan playboy, and I truly believe he does think about sex every day. He also seems to think about money every day, and he certainly thinks “buffet” too because he devours a buffet every day. That food, sex and money gentleman was my constant helpmate as I thwacked “Collected Selected Words” into “Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me” (and may God forgive him for his help).

NOT a best seller

There was another helpful gentleman who told me that only Geoffrey Chaucer would call a work by the name “Collected Selected Words” and he suggested “Habitat Of The Great-Spotted Pattayan Ladyboy” while I thought of adding “With Descriptions Of Other Flighty Species”. He pointed out such a title meant my head was not up my arse and ornithologists would readily presume that the novel had birds in it (which it did and still does). I added more about great-spotted (and great-crested) ladyboys but went for the sexier title.

NOT a best seller, either

There were, of course, one or two dissenting voices out there calling “Halt!”. One was a university friend who said the title was excellent as it stood while another, a composer of “classical” symphonies, said it was a book not easily categorizable with inclusions that made it memorable and possibly unique and that “Collected Selected Words” was just hunky-dory. Indeed, the book is all about selecting and collecting and collecting and selecting wherein we take major decisions which in turn take us into all sorts of dark and less dark, exitless rooms. BUT the Danish photographer and the helpfulest gentleman are right. Google thinks what the fuck when it sees “Collected Selected Words” and internet search-engines just aren’t used to people wanting to know about words. Indeed, they are the last thing people are thinking of as they smash into the rectangular, thin box what they are searching for even though paradoxically and ironically they should be thinking about words (and actually are!).

No matter.

Change the title of your book immediately. I did so. You can too.

*Pattaya – Thailand’s most famous or notorious sex-city full of bars, a go gos, and more (also known as Fun City, Sin City and the Extreme City)

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