Robin England (Rob For Short)
Deeply patriotic, he robs his country of thousands of pounds.
They tell me we’re all on the fiddle so I suppose I have to presume that some of us are more on the fiddle than others. Like the white lies we all tell, I know some guys who tell fifty in a week and others who tell five thousand.
If you ask Robin about Great Britain, he will tell you how proud he is to be British – its traditions, its inventors, its industrial revolution, its Second World War heroes, its staid but trusted institutions like The Royal Family, The Beatles…the list is endless…but it may surprise some that Robin saw a way to rob a British bank of thousands of pounds and did so – to save his ass and Meme’s. Meme is his whore, and as her name suggests she thinks one hell of a lot of me-me.
I first met Rob ten years ago when he was head over heels in love. For five years Meme played the game and Rob put up with it, then a change. She left the bars to devote herself to him. Her family hailed from Thailand’s north, near Chiang Mai. Robin was never allowed to meet her family, and her son knows nothing about Rob. He spent endless baht on Meme and friends, and he put on huge amounts of weight. She slapped him around in front of his friends (one memorable occasion being outside Big C Extra on Central Road, Pattaya, at three in the afternoon), and continued alcoholic. She controlled him a lot but when he built up “Brownie points” (his words), he was allowed out on his own for a few hours. We’d meet up in a bar but he was feverish if a lady came near him. Meme might smell perfume, or one of her friends might just be there and talk to Meme afterwards.
Fast forward to a couple of years ago. Robin is heart-broken back in his UK home-town where he stays periodically. His negative equity has thwacked him and he owes his bank 27,000 pounds plus court charges. Without looking he invested in sub-prime property in dark, northern England. He does have the 27,000 pounds to pay off the debt but if he does so, he can’t come to Pattaya and to Meme. He can’t pay for her lifestyle. He gives his trusted friends in the UK dollops of his dosh so that he has next to nothing in his bank account, and declares himself bankrupt. When the court-case rolls in, Robin has no money and the judge makes his bank pay and exonerates Rob. Of course, he is blacklisted from bank loans for the rest of his life but that sentence certainly doesn’t dampen the light fantastic he is dancing. He returns to Pattaya with a hey and a ho and a hey nonino, and buys Meme her everything.
Robin used to be a Heathrow Airport customs official. He continues to praise the UK, proud to be part of such a great country. He’s Rob for short.